Human Digestive Tract Not Well Adapted to Digest Anything

forbidden food

From Raw Paleo to Raw Vegan and everything in between, dietary health proponents around the world have long claimed that certain foods are not well suited to the human digestive tract.  Now an independent health researcher has compiled enough evidence to prove that they are all correct.  “After a thoroughly exhaustive review of available literature as well as reading, and participating in, thousands of blog post response columns, I have to say that the evidence is overwhelming.  I now believe that we are not well adapted to digest anything, except of course coconut oil and coconut water.”  Ben Wanker claims to have spent millions of hours researching the subject of human diet and digestion.  “When I was vegan, I was convinced by the evidence that we were ill adapted to digesting animal products, but I felt horrible all the time.  Then I became paleo and was convinced by their mountain of scientific evidence, but I still felt horrible.  Finally the light bulb came on.  The truth has been there all along, I guess it was just too obvious to see.”

Wanker claims we are in an evolutionary limbo caught between being plant eating apes and meat eating carnivores.  “We’re living a lie.  The Vegans have been saying for ages that our digestive tract is too long to digest animal products, while the other side says it’s too short to digest plants.  Turns out they are both right.  Now we have a major decision to face.  Unless we want to live on coconut water and coconut oil alone, we have to chose a path to evolve back down, meat or veg.  If the dietary tribes of the world don’t lay down their keyboards and join forces, we may perish as a species.”

As to which path we should take, onward toward meat, or back toward plants, “Paleo blogger Rod Wus said, Look, it’s Ok to eat a few plant foods, but the evidence is overwhelming that the best source of energy for Humans is fat and meat from animals.  Look at me, I subsist mostly on meat and fat and I’m totally ripped.  Check out my pecs.  I used to be sick and weak eating a plant based diet.  Besides, our science kicks ass on the vegan science.  We are on top of the food chain, so we should act like it.  Besides, veganism is totally gay.”

Ripped Paleo blogger Mark Sissy agreed.  “I can jog down the beach with 5 gallons of water in each hand.  You can’t do that sucking down bananas all day.  I’m not sure this guy is right, but if it’s got to be one or the other, It’s sausage over bananas, hands down”.

Vegans disagree saying we should go back from whence we came, to a plant based diet.  Patsy White, long time raw vegan activist told NCN  “Carnivores have all kinds of parasites and diseases, and stuff from all the meat rotting inside their bodies.  I mean, even my cat Mr Floppy is vegan and he’s a much nicer cat for it.  He never fights with other cats over girl cats or anything.  I didn’t even have to fix him.  He’s totally mellow.  Just lays in the sun all day.  You’re such a lamb.  Aren’t you Mister Fwoppy woppy.  Oh, you’re shedding again aren’t you, time for your rogain bath ijinit, yesh it is. Besides, Gorillas are vegans and a gorilla could kick Rob Wus’s butt.”

Ben Wanker is on the fence.  “I’ve spent years searching for studies to support my hypothesis.  If you look at the studies, and on the street, people on either all vegetable, or all meat diets do poorly.  I’m not entirely sure which side of the fence we should choose.  I’m working on an algorithm to analyze all the data I’ve compiled, but so far it’s sort of 50/50.  It’s true that being a vegan is pretty lame, but it could mean the difference between feeding the world’s hungry on soybeans, or mass starvation.   For the sake of argument, I could say that I really like bacon, so we should be carnivores, but bacon has sugar in it which is from plants, so maybe not.  I know you’re thinking bacon could be sweeted with honey, which is from bees, but that’s really just nectar from plants.  You can see, it’s a tough decision.  One company is starting to convert meat into glucose to use as a sweetener called muscweet.  with that and coconut and meat flours, we could have safe cakes and pastries and stuff like that, even as cococarnivores.”

Blogger Alan Smith, who runs the website Dietary Crossroads, was inspired by Wankers work.  He proposes the idea that we will inevitably divide into two species, but that only one will survive.  “Look, I don’t think all out war is the best scenario, I’m just sure it is inevitable.  It will take time, but only one humanoid species will prevail in the end.”  he said.  “The only other real solution is to round up the vegans and send them to another planet, or maybe to Australia where they can devolve into prey for the carnivores.”  Asked which side he was choosing, he replied,  “Ok, let’s just say that if you had to choose a side in a battle between Durian Rider and Rob Wus, who would you choose?  What’s Durian gonna do, hit Rob with a banana?  Rob Wus is gonna totally pound Durian with a huge bone, and then probably eat his skinny ass.”

There are, of course, dissenters that say it’s fine to be omnivorous.  Wanker responded,  “The idea that we should eat everything is ridiculous.  It’s common knowledge that food is killing us, we just needed to figure out which foods are the culprits.  Well, I figured it out, it’s all of them!  But it’s not the food, it’s us.  Imagine taking a bunch of wheat and putting dairy and meat and tomatoes and other plants on top of it and then eating it.  We can’t digest that, but people are eating that everyday, it’s called pizza!  We can become carnivores or vegans and still have pizza.  In fact, I’m working with a company now to make a pizza entirely from coconut that can be delivered to your door anywhere in the U.S. hot in just 6 hours.  But regular pizza is simply madness and will inevitably become a thing of the past.  Our next product pizza like product will be made entirely out of meat, Meatzza!”

Critics aside, Wanker says that the future looks uncertain.  “If we can’t agree on either meat or vegetables, we may just travel the road to extinction along with other omnivorous animals like bears, raccoons and possums.  “Possums have been around for 50 million years and there is only one species left in North America… and” he added ominously,  “that species is omnivorous”.  Asked what advice he has for the couple million years we’ll take to evolve and adapt, Wanker responded, “Coconuts.  I follow the 80/20 rule.  80% coconut oil and water with occasional coconut meat, and the rest either vegetable or animal products until we have adequate scientific evidence proving which way we should go.  At this point there are several possible outcomes.  We may go extinct, we may embrace meat eating, we may become totally gay vegans, or we may just become coconutarians.  It’s true that my work is groundbreaking, but I can’t predict the future.  What I do know is that we have a biological imperative to do this.  If we can’t do it for ourselves, we should do it for our descendants and the continuance of the human species.  It’s going to take like 50,000 generations or something.”

The omnivorous possum could be an evolutionary dead end.  Will it last another 70 million years.

The omnivorous possum could just be an evolutionary dead end. Will it last another 50 million years?

Please vote!


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